"God, not now"

Restart. Fall. Restart Again.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said, “This is the last time.”

And yet… a few days later, I’m back.

Kdramas again.

That same cycle.

And then these words from St. Ephraim the Syrian hit me like truth I couldn’t escape:

“Every day I lay a foundation for building repentance, and again with my own hands I tear it apart.”

That’s exactly it

I pray.
I resolve.
I start sincere.

And then a few hours later

“ just one episode.”

I don’t walk away from Him dramatically.

I drift.

Quietly.

Repeatedly.

---

The Moment That Exposed Me

Today I drifted again 

And then I saw Him.

Jesus. Fallen on the rough ground. Hand reaching out. Face filled with pain.

And something in me froze.

I don’t know how to explain it.

Not guilt. Not fear.

Something deeper.

I remembered the last time I saw something like this and was led back.

I almost scrolled.

But suddenly I realised what was really happening.

Not just distraction.

Not just habit.

👉 A relationship being postponed.

👉 Love being delayed.

👉 God being told“not now. later.”

---

The Most Dangerous Thing I Believed

I switched to christian video and came across something about Padre Pio's encounter with a soul lost.

Not because of shocking sin.

But because of lack of contrition.

Believing the quiet lie:

“my sin is a minor blemish not an offense against God”

And I realized that’s exactly how I’ve been living.

Because if I truly believed it was a big deal…

I wouldn’t so easily say:

👉 “It’s just a show.”
👉 “At least I’m not doing worse things.”
👉 “Let me finish this first.”

---

What I Was Really Saying

Let me strip it down:

Every episode I chose over prayer…
Every moment I ignored that inner call…

I wasn’t neutral.

I was saying: “God, You can wait. I’ll come back… later.”

And that “later” kept repeating.

---

Learning from the Saints 

A saint doesn’t say, “It’s not a big deal.”

A saint says:

“How could I wound Him who loves me so much?”

St. John Vianney said:

“All sin is a refusal to love God.”

Not just grave sin.

All sin.

The real question is: Have I loved God enough?

And if I’m honest…

No.

Every time I chose something else over Him…

I wasn’t just “wasting time.”

I was choosing less love.

St. Augustine once cried:

“Late have I loved You, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new!”

Not because he committed the worst sins imaginable.

But because he realized… he had delayed loving God.

St. Teresa of Avila struggled for years with distractions and attachments. Years.

She admitted she lacked the courage to fully give herself to God.

It wasn’t ignorance.

It was a divided heart.

And she said plainly:

“I did not have the strength to give myself wholly to God.”

That hit home.

Because that’s where I’ve been.

A saint doesn’t negotiate with grace.

The truth hit harder:

👉 I haven’t loved God seriously.

Because love doesn’t keep saying “wait.”

Love responds..

“How can I delay the One who is calling me now?”

St. Augustine recognized it:

“I kept saying, ‘tomorrow… tomorrow.’ Why not now?”

That question burns.

👉 Why not now?

---

Why I Stayed Stuck

Because I made peace with delay.

I didn’t reject God.

I just postponed Him.

Again.
And again.
And again.

Until postponing Him became normal.

This is how the heart slowly hardens.

Not by saying “no” to God

But by constantly saying:

👉 “Not now.”

Looking back, I see it clearly.

I didn’t feel urgency.

I didn’t feel deep sorrow.

So I didn’t change.

St. Catherine of Siena said:

“The soul that does not burn with love is cold and cannot move.”

That was me.

I was praying, yes.

I even asked:

“Lord, give me a willing spirit.”

“Help me love You more.”

And then… I would fall again.

---

Grace Interrupted My “Later”

Today, it wasn't my strength that stopped me.

It was grace.

That image.
That pause.
That moment of clarity.

And then, almost like confirmation, I saw this verse being shared:

“See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse befall you.” -- John 5:14

It didn’t feel like a threat.

It felt like a call.

A loving, serious call.

And it felt urgent.

Here's what I’m beginning to understand:

 Those small prayers during my sparse moments of clarity were not wasted.

Even when I broke my resolve…

God was still working.

Slowly. Quietly.

Preparing the moment.

---

This Is the Truth I Can’t Ignore Anymore

Every distraction is not just wasted time.

👉 It is a delayed response to God.
👉 It is love postponed.
👉 It is saying “not now” to the One who is asking for my heart now.

And that is not small.

And Scripture warns:

“See, now is the acceptable time; now is the day of salvation.” --2 Corinthians 6:2

Not later.

Now.

---

So This Time…

I don’t want another cycle of:

Restart. Fail. Restart.

I want a different response.

When He calls

Not later.
Not after one more episode.

👉 Now.

Because every “not now” shapes who I become.

And I don’t want to become someone
who keeps God waiting.

What is God's plan for my life?

There comes a moment in many people’s lives when a quiet question begins to surface:

What is God’s plan for my life?
Am I walking in it… or have I somehow missed it?

Sometimes the question comes during big life decisions. Other times it appears in the middle of ordinary routines—work, family responsibilities, daily struggles. We begin to wonder if we are doing the right thing or if God had something entirely different in mind for us.

But the truth is often far more comforting than we imagine.

God’s Plan Is Not Always Dramatic

Many people assume that living in God’s plan must look extraordinary - something visible, dramatic, or obviously spiritual. We think of priests, religious sisters, missionaries, or saints doing remarkable works.

But God’s call is not limited to those vocations.

God calls priests and religious, yes. But He also calls parents, teachers, students, workers, caregivers, and neighbors. He calls people living quiet lives filled with daily responsibilities.

Your ordinary life is not outside God’s plan.

Very often, it is exactly where His plan unfolds.

Jesus Already Told Us What Matters Most

When people asked Jesus about the greatest commandment, He answered clearly:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
— Matthew 22:37–39 

Notice what Jesus does here.

He does not start by describing careers, missions, or future achievements. Instead, He gives something much simpler and much deeper.

Love God.
Love others.

This is the heart of God’s will.

The Hidden Life of Mary

One of the most beautiful examples of this truth is the life of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Scripture gives us only glimpses of her daily life. We see moments like the Annunciation, the Visitation, the birth of Jesus, and the wedding at Cana. But most of her life remains hidden.

Which likely means that much of Mary’s life looked very ordinary.

She cooked meals.
She cared for her family.
She lived quietly in Nazareth.
She carried out the simple responsibilities of each day.

Yet she lived those moments with deep love and faithfulness to God.

And when a quiet need appeared at a wedding in Cana, Mary noticed it and turned to Jesus.

Through that small act of compassion and trust, a miracle took place.

The one who lived such a humble life became the woman through whom God brought salvation into the world.

Living God’s Plan Today

God invites us into something deeper - a relationship of trust.

This means that even when the future is unclear, we are never truly lost.

We can still live in God’s will by doing what He has already asked of us.

Loving Him with our whole heart.
Loving the people around us.
Living with integrity.
Honoring our responsibilities.
Serving those placed in our path.

The work that lies before you today - your responsibilities, your relationships, your quiet acts of love - can all become part of God’s plan.

When they are done with love for Him.

Peace in the Ordinary

God’s plan does not always arrive with grand signs or dramatic moments.

Sometimes it unfolds in quiet faithfulness.

In doing the next right thing.
In choosing love.
In trusting God even when the path ahead is unclear.

Mary did not know the full story when she said yes to God. Yet through that simple obedience, God changed the world.

And in many ways, He continues to work the same way.

Your life may seem ordinary.

But in God’s hands, ordinary faithfulness can become part of something far greater than you imagine.

So if you are wondering today whether you are walking in God’s plan, remember this gentle truth:

You do not need to see the whole path.

Just take the next step with love for God.

And trust that He is already leading you exactly where you need to be. 

What Changes When You Truly Put God at the Center?

Have you ever read a Bible verse and thought, This sounds beautiful… but does it really work in real life?

I finally lived the answer.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own insight.”
— Proverbs 3:5 (RSVCE)

This verse was something I practiced during my second pregnancy and it changed everything.

Both my pregnancies were different. And the biggest reason wasn’t my age, my body, or medical advances. It was how much I involved God — not occasionally, but intentionally.

Seven Years Ago: Faith Present, Fear in Control

My first pregnancy was seven years ago. I prayed then too  but my faith wasn’t strong enough to quiet my fear. I was deeply influenced by others and slowly began believing that labour would be unbearable.

So when cramping started, panic followed. And the panic only amplified the pain.

There was yelling.
There was worry.
There was very little peace.

I wanted a normal delivery, but neither my mind nor my body had fully accepted that it was possible. More importantly, I hadn’t invited God into every decision. I carried my worries myself instead of offering them back to Him in prayer.

“Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down.”
— Proverbs 12:25 (RSVCE)

That experience didn’t end with delivery.

The Postpartum I Wasn’t Prepared For

After my first birth, I struggled. I was slightly depressed and felt a quiet disconnection from my child. At the time, I didn’t fully understand it.

Looking back now, I see how much the labour experience  and my inability to cope with the physical and emotional changes of the fourth trimester  played a role. I wasn’t prepared for both the labour and the after birth. Also I was too focused on me rather than my child as I tried to carry it all alone. 

---

This Time, Everything Started With God

This pregnancy was different from the very beginning. Preparation didn’t start in the third trimester but it started with conception.

There were specific, directed prayers and God led me to the right resources, the right people, and the right mindset. 

Alongside prayer, I prepared intentionally: labour classes, reading VBAC testimonials, and surrounding myself with voices that spoke possibility instead of fear.

Slowly, my mind and body were being trained together through faith and through effort. I learned to trust God above the noise of the world that said, “If the first was a C-section, the second will be too.”

“Be still, and know that I am God.”
— Psalm 46:10 (RSVCE)

A Different Labour  And a Different Postpartum

This time, I entered labour with surrender, not panic. God wasn’t someone I turned to when things got difficult — He was present in every decision.

And the difference didn’t stop at delivery.

My postpartum journey this time has been the complete opposite. I feel present. Connected. Involved. When challenges arise whether physical or emotional I surrender them in prayer instead of spiraling into worry.

There is a quiet steadiness now. A positive outlook. Not because everything is easy, but because I no longer carry it alone.

“Cast all your anxieties on him,
for he cares about you.”
— 1 Peter 5:7 (RSVCE)

What I Learned Through Both Journeys

Faith doesn’t eliminate pain.
But it transforms how we walk through it.

The difference between my two pregnancies wasn’t effort but it was putting God at the center, not just asking Him for an outcome.

Same woman.
Same body.
Completely different experience.

Because this time God was in the center of my journey.

--

Jan 10, 2026

Beyond Being “A Good Person”

Sometimes I sit in silence and honestly think, “Lord… I don’t even know what I should repent of.”

And that itself has been an ongoing struggle for me.

It feels like I’m checking the right boxes - not flawless, but decent enough. And my conscience doesn’t disturb me much anymore. This quiet satisfaction, unfortunately, has dulled the deeper call.

Recently I came across a video by Fr. Mike Schmitz (1) where, almost in passing, he mentioned something that struck me deeply. He spoke about people who don’t know what they should repent of and said maybe it’s because they have no idea how incredible they are supposed to be.

That line stayed with me.

Because isn’t it true? We often congratulate ourselves for being “good.” We don’t commit major crimes. We’re faithful spouses. Responsible parents. Decent citizens.

But God’s standard?

It’s shockingly high.

Jesus says even a look of lust is adultery. Even anger in the heart is murder. 

Suddenly, it’s not just about outward behavior bit it’s about thoughts, intentions, subtle attitudes.

The resentment we rehearse in our minds.
The bitterness we justify.
The fantasy of “what I should have said.”
The quiet revenge scenarios we play out.

Imagine that! Even that counts.

And yet we rarely measure ourselves against God’s holiness. We measure ourselves against other people. And compared to the world, we look fine. Our scale has corroded and our standards have slowly shifted without us realizing it.

Porn is obviously sin. But a romantic K-drama? That’s harmless, right?

But what about the thoughts that follow?
The subtle comparisons?
The dissatisfaction with our spouse or our life because reality doesn’t look cinematic?

Comparison quietly steals gratitude. And we don’t even notice.

Or modesty. “I’m covered more than most people. I’m modest.”

But the question isn’t the world’s standard but it’s God’s call to honor the dignity of our body. Sometimes what looks acceptable socially is still subtly shaped by vanity, attention-seeking, or insecurity. And we rarely bring that to confession.

Or this one hits hard:
“I give my all to work. Work needs me. Missing Mass sometimes is understandable.” OR the ”I’m not abusing my family.”

But what are we modeling?

At Baptism, we promise to lead our children to Christ. We want them to receive the sacraments. But do they see prayer in us? Do they see reverence? Do they see sacrifice for God? Or do they see that everything else comes first?

When we truly look at God’s standard we realise that it’s very, very high.

And once we begin examining honestly, the list of “infractions” becomes long - very long!

But here is the beautiful part.

Jesus is not waiting with a clipboard to condemn. He understands. He forgives. He strengthens. He doesn’t reveal our sins to shame us but to heal us. The higher the standard, the greater the invitation to holiness.

Maybe the reason we sometimes don’t know what to repent of isn’t because we are sinless but because we’ve forgotten how extraordinary we are called to be.

So this Lent, instead of leaning on our own understanding, maybe we can pray:

“Lord, gently reveal the parts of my heart that need surrender and transform me.”

And He will. Slowly. Lovingly.

Wishing you an incredible life. Not just a “good” one but a holy, joyful, deeply transformed life with Jesus.

(1) https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=hPTcMWpHfKk&si=TvflbcDRFgXfizn9

--

18 Feb 2026

Why do we fast?

Have you ever stopped and really asked yourself, Why do we fast?

I have.

Is it just something we do during Lent? A tradition we inherited? Or is there something deeper happening in us when we willingly give something up?

For me, fasting has become less about food and more about freedom.

When we choose to fast, we are choosing to take up our own crosses and follow Him. That sounds beautiful but it’s also very practical. It means we don’t just enjoy the joyful moments of life; we also embrace the difficult ones. We begin to see challenges not as interruptions, but as invitations for deeper spiritual growth.

If I’m honest, my appetites can easily cloud my thinking. Not just hunger for food but hunger for comfort, distraction, recognition, ease. These desires aren’t always sinful, but they can quietly take control. And when they do, I stop desiring only God and His will.

That’s where fasting becomes powerful.

When we say “no” to something our body wants, even something small, we are retraining our hearts. We are reminding ourselves that God is in charge. These small acts of self-denial help curb our disordered appetites. They strengthen the spirit so it can guide the body, not the other way around.

And let’s be real: fasting doesn’t feel exciting at first. Penitential acts are rarely attractive. But that’s actually the key. When we do what our flesh does not “desire,” something shifts inside us. Our spirit grows stronger. Our will becomes clearer. We gain control over impulses that once controlled us.

And that changes everything.

We are called to imitate our Lord and to look at Him interiorly with the eyes of faith and then act outwardly as instruments of sacrificial love. But how can we love sacrificially if we cannot deny ourselves even in small things? We need our passions and appetites under control to fulfill our mission. 

Fasting, along with increased prayer and penance, draws us into a deeper spiritual journey. It clears noise. It creates space. It sharpens our spiritual hearing.

In the end, fasting is not about punishment. It’s about purification.
Not about deprivation. But about direction.

It teaches us that we don’t live by every craving that rises within us. We live by every word that comes from Him.

And slowly, quietly, we begin to follow Him cross and all.

✝️ “Nobody Dies for a Lie”

I recently came across a post on Instagram that said:

“Nobody dies for a lie” — Mel Gibson, speaking about Jesus’ Resurrection.

That statement stopped me in my tracks. He's talking about his new movie on Jesus's resurrection, and it's an idea he wants to project in it. 

It’s a simple statement, but it gets right to the heart of something profound, doesn't it?

Think about it. People may suffer for many reasons - for family, for country, for dreams, or even by accident. But who would willingly give up their life for something they knew wasn’t true? 

No one. 

If the Resurrection were a lie, would the Apostles have gone to their deaths proclaiming it? Certainly not. They knew what they had seen, they had touched, and they testified to it even at the cost of their lives.

Jesus Himself knew exactly what He was laying down His life for. He wasn’t caught up in confusion or swept away by chance. He endured the Cross because He saw the glory beyond it. 

“For the joy that was set before him [he] endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God” -- Hebrews 12:2

The pain and humiliation of the cross were real, but they were nothing compared to the glory that was to come. He knew that His sacrifice was the ultimate act of love - a love that would bridge the chasm between God and humanity forever. His gaze wasn't on the temporary agony but on the eternal victory.

And we see this echoed in the life of the first martyr, Stephen. As he was being stoned, 

“he, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God” -- Acts 7:55

That vision gave him strength. The pain of stones crashing against him could not crush the hope of what he saw. He knew the outcome, and it was worth it.

You and I wouldn't risk our lives for something we weren't absolutely sure was true, right? That’s the entire point.

It makes me wonder  what do we value in our daily lives? Most of the time, we weigh everything by what we can gain or what suffering we can avoid. We pray for convenience, for relief, for comfort. Yet when we say “Thy kingdom come”  we are really asking God to prepare us and the world not just for the temporary but for eternity.

And eternity comes with a cost. It demanded everything of the Father’s only-begotten Son. And in some sense, it has demanded everything of the saints who followed Him. Their lives were not lost but were poured out for the truth.

The Resurrection proves once and for all that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6). When we see Him clearly, this temporal life loses its grip on us. Suffering doesn’t vanish, but it finds meaning. Death doesn’t terrify, because it is no longer the end.

The things we worry about in our daily lives and all our worldly ambitions fade in comparison to the immense reality of God's love and the promise of His Kingdom.

“Nobody dies for a lie.” The martyrs didn’t, the saints didn’t and neither did Jesus. He died and rose because the truth of God’s love is more powerful than death. And that same truth is what gives us strength today.

🛟 A Father's Dive

The Father’s Dive

When your child is in trouble, you don’t really think, do you? You just jump in. You don’t pause to calculate the risk of crashing waves or raging fire but you move to rescue.

I was reminded of this when I saw a short snippet of Moana’s father. She’s underwater, not surfacing, and without hesitation he dives in after her. No second thought, no plan B, just a father’s love in action.

It got me thinking… isn’t that a glimpse of what God did for us?

Only His dive wasn’t into the ocean. It was into a world of wolves, sin, betrayal, and suffering. He didn’t hesitate, but He also didn’t act rashly. Unlike Moana’s father, whose jump was an instantaneous reaction, the Father’s decision was eternal and deliberate. From the very beginning, God knew He would send His only Begotten Son. It wasn’t a plan B. It was always the plan.

And yet here’s the difference that really stirs my heart: you and I, as parents, sometimes get tired. After years of the same battles of tantrums, teenage struggles, adult wounds we get frustrated. Sometimes we even feel like giving up.

But not God.

He is patient. He is kind. He does not give up when we push back against Him. Even when we crucified His Son, His response was forgiveness: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” -- Luke 23:34

That’s the Father’s heart. The heart that dives in; not blindly, not recklessly, but with steadfast, deliberate love.

So maybe the next time we feel like throwing up our hands with our kids, or even with ourselves, we can remember: God never gave up on us. He still hasn’t. And if His Spirit lives in us, then His patience, His perseverance, can live through us too.